Linda: A Male No Longer

 Linda: A Male No Longer

I just completed my fifth month on medications for prostate cancer. The doctors thought they got it soon enough that I would not need to have my prostrate removed. A month later I had some more x-rays at my regular doctor’s appointment, the results were not encouraging. The x-rays showed further invasion of the cancer, so the doctor scheduled me for surgery. He was truthful, the prostate would be removed, along with any other organs that the cancer had spread to. Not a hopeful diagnosis.

I checked into the hospital the next morning and was operated on just after 9 A.M. I don’t remember anything until I was taken back to my room later in the day. I had no relatives locally so there was no one to visit me besides my girlfriend. She had tried to get a day off, but they had a big meeting scheduled of which she was an integral part, so she went in. I am sure she would rather be with me, but she was a manager in her company, so was looked up to do what is right. Due to the meeting it would be late today before she could visit. The doctor came in about an hour after I got back to my room to check on me. He had a serious look on his face, so I feared the worse. He checked my vitals, then looked at the incision he had made to do the operation.

He sat down by me and held my hand.

“I had to remove the prostate, then checked to see if the cancer had spread. Your testicles were consumed with it so I had to remove them plus some of you scrotum, making sure that I got all of the malignant tissue.”

I tried to move my hand down there, but he held my hand firmly. My other arm had the I.V. in it so it was strapped to the side of the bed.

“I know this is disturbing, but there was nothing else we could do. Your penis might still function, but there will be no ejaculate and of course you are now sterile, unable to father any children.”

I started sobbing, a nurse came into the room to add a sedative to the IV and I was soon asleep. I woke later that night to see my girlfriend Stacy sitting on the chair in the room. She saw me awake and came over and hugged me. I felt so inadequate, I knew I would lose her, no longer a male and unable to be a husband to her. I started to explain, but she shushed me, “I am not leaving you, we will have to make some other plans, but we will still be together, love can and will conquer all.” I tried many times to broach the subject with her, but she was adamant about not talking about it. She stayed with me until eleven, but had to go since she had to work again tomorrow.

It was a week before I was released, the doctor had tried a testosterone shot to make up for the lack of hormones my body would make. Ten minutes after the shot I was in convulsions on the bed. I woke up in the emergency room, with several doctors working on me. They had to give me a large estrogen shot to offset the testosterone injection, but once that was in my bloodstream I started to come around. In between passing out they had told me I am apparently testosterone intolerant. My body reacting violently to the shot of the hormone. According to the doctors my testicles must not have been producing any testosterone, since my body couldn’t handle it. That in of itself might explain some of my physical characteristics.

It was two days later before I left the ICU, feeling worse than when I went into the hospital for the prostate surgery. Every time I was awake enough to recognize faces Stacy was there with a smile for me and my hand held in hers. The hospital stay lasted for another week, before the doctor told me I could go home. They did another blood test before I was released, my estrogen levels elevated even more.

My doctor had me go to a specialist two days later, again another sample, again the same result. I was examined by her, then after getting dressed she called me into her private office. We talked for a while, with me describing my life, my occupation, and my concerns for the future. She was blunt, you have some decisions to make and soon, the elevated estrogen levels will be making your body more feminine. The large dose they gave you in ICU has worn off now, but your body is still producing excessive amounts of estrogen somewhere. I have no clue where the estrogen is originating from, I want to run a bunch more tests to try and discover its source.

If we can’t find the source, I am afraid you will start showing some more enhancement in your female secondary sex characteristics. Since your body is testosterone intolerant we have no way to control the estrogen amounts or stop the hormone production. I want you to take some time and think this over, if we can’t find the source you may start looking like a female very quickly. Since you are relatively young the hormone will have more effect on you than if you were older. If that happens portraying a male might become very difficult for you, if not impossible in the future.

My next appointment with the specialist is in ten days, the blood test results the same. One test that she had run last time hinted at where the estrogen was coming from. The next day I was scheduled for a MRI, the doctor talking to me about the results right after the scan. I had two ovary like organs, just like a regular female, but nothing else of the female reproductive system. They were the culprits, somehow stimulated into action, possibly after the removal of my testicles, but from the levels of estrogen in my body, they have apparently been at work for quite some time.

I immediately asked about removing them but she advised that I leave them there. Without any hormones, your body cells have nothing telling them what to do, when to repair the cells, in other words your body closes up shop and quits. If you weren’t testosterone intolerant we could keep the estrogen levels minimal, also managing to keep any more enhancement to your secondary sex characteristics from forming.

So if we take out the ovaries you still have to have some type of hormone that would have to be supplemented somehow. Estrogen therapy is adequate at best because we are guessing at what amount to add. The ovaries will moderate there production naturally, unfortunately that is after they have developed your body to that of a female looks wise. I know this is hard to understand and accept, but please take a few weeks and talk it over with someone close before you make any decisions.

Stacy and I talked about it a lot, I was still leaning towards the surgery to remove the ovaries, damn the consequences. Finally Stacy put her foot down. If you persist in doing this she wanted nothing more to do with me. “I would rather have a live and healthy spouse with boobs, etc. then a male that might drop dead at any time. Think this over carefully, I love and care for you a lot, but I will not be a party to your demise. Tomorrow I will meet you after work and I want your decision, then I will decide if I am to still be a part of your life. I am not bluffing, my way or there is no more relationship.” At that she turned and left, no hug, no kiss, no nothing.

I presume I have stepped over the line, now I have to figure out if I can live as a female. I never did decide, much too big of a decision to make on my own. I can see Stacy’s viewpoint, but for me the stakes are much higher. Twenty-five years old, all of those years spent as a male. Now my whole world is turned upside down, the life of a female or a game of Russian roulette.

When Stacy showed up the next day she had a stern look on her face. The look made up my mind, I would go the female route. I told her this, but made sure she understood that I didn’t have a clue about any of this, so I needed her help. I saw a smile, I received a kiss, and then we cuddled for a couple of hours.

Stacy and cuddling were inseparable. After the first time she did it with me, I began to appreciate the practice. No sex innuendos involved, just two people sharing their life with each other, low key, but filled with love.

Unknown to me, Stacy had arranged some time off from work. On a Monday morning she showed up a little past eight A.M. dragging me out of bed. I was rudely shoved in the shower, threatened with a spanking if I didn’t do a good job of cleaning myself, then made to slip on a set of sweats, then rushed off to a destination unknown. When we pulled into the salon parking lot, I looked at her with sheer panic on my face. I started stuttering, you wouldn’t, you can’t, please Stacy this is not right. In the end I was standing at the front of the salon, Stacy telling the receptionist that I had an appointment.

Then when she turned to leave, I got a kiss, then a few words whispered to my ear. “You will be here all day, there is no way out of this, I have your apartment keys, your car keys and your wallet. So put up with it, be good and I will pick you up later when they have finished with you. If I hear one complaint from the ladies working on you I will strip you naked in the middle of the salon and paddle your fanny till it is bright red. That is not a threat, I have been wanting to do it anyway, so go ahead and give me a reason to do it. I had no doubt she would, but a smile did light up my face, I wonder what getting a spanking from Stacy would be like. I did get a funny look from her, followed up by some giggling as she left the salon. From her smirky look I may not get the spanking in the salon, but I am sure she will find another time to administer it.

I was made hair free, a cream rubbed in all over and then wiped off thirty minutes later, my sparse body hair with it. Then hair shampooed and conditioned, followed up with a styling. Not much cut off, but a cute set of bangs came with the cut. Then a bunch of small curlers, wound tight with a thin piece of paper wrapped around the hair before being wound on the curler. When she saturated the curls with a foul smelling liquid I realized I was getting a permanent. I set for a while pondering my fate, repercussions from this bound to last a while. But then fate had dealt me a bad hand already, so whether I suffer now or later not much difference to the overall outcome.

The permanent is neutralized, something that somehow stuck in my mind when Mom and Sis gave each other permanents. Back then salons were not as prevalent, and permanents fairly expensive. My hair is then set on rollers, the look of me in curlers with three different color rollers in my hair quite comical. Then I imagined myself later, having to do this or similar regularly to keep up my appearance. My appearance as a female that is going to take some getting used to.

Under a dryer for the hair to dry, keeping the hair curly when released from the curlers. With the permanent I am sure they will last longer than I wanted. When the timer went off back to the styling chair and the curlers removed, the hair did remain curly almost like a spring stretching out then back into the tight curl. She kept brushing out the curls, finally managing a curly yet feminine style, the bangs curling over my forehead and accenting my eyes even more.

I was focusing on my curly hair, but Penny, my stylist, was discretely marking my ears for earrings. By the time I figured out what she was doing I sported two sets of holes, lasered in so there would never be a problem with them growing closed. A pair of hoops and a set of studs, both in gold were inserted, pretty much guaranteeing a feminine gender look.

Then she moved to my eyebrows, twenty minutes and they no longer looked masculine, there high arch and thinness quite feminine. She applied a light makeup, drawing in the brows a little, then mascara, followed up with some lipstick. The rose pink lipstick looked so good with my coloring. Yeah right, three hours in the beauty salon and I am wallowing in being gender female.

I had to wait up front for Stacy to show up, looking in the many mirrors of the salon, not a hint of me being masculine showed up. Even my taller height, five foot ten inches, did not seem to matter anymore. I had no breasts yet, the image in the mirror kind of straight up and down, but female never the less.

I wondered if I wanted to work out some at the gym, if any changes in my body would make me appear manly. I doubt it, the female hormones being circulated in my body now, making sure that will never happen.

I was ashamed when Stacy came to get me, I couldn’t even look her in the face. The doctor had removed my maleness, but the salon had given me femininity, a much harder pill to swallow. Just losing my testicles was not apparent to people who looked at me, but curly hair, arched eyebrows, and pierced ears did show, anybody looking at me seeing the female that emerged. She paid the bill and dragged me to her car.

The trip back home is in silence, me not knowing what to say, my humiliation at looking so girly, forcing me to withdraw. She dropped me off at my apartment, gave me my house keys and told me she would be right back. I resigned myself to do as she wanted, she still had my car keys and my wallet, leaving me at somewhat of a disadvantage. I plopped myself in the recliner in the living room, trying to figure out what brought on her action today, did she want me as a female now, or is there some other reason.

Twenty minutes later she returned bringing some food to eat. I had to be dragged to the kitchen, I really wasn’t hungry, but she insisted. I played with the food on my plate, mainly just pushing it from one side to the other. During this time she had tried to engage me in conversation, but I only responded in one word answers if at all.

Finally she had enough, I was yanked out of the chair and hauled to the living room. She set on the couch and pulled me down on her lap. Taking both of her hands she held my face where I had to look her in the face. “Now are you going to snap out of this or do I need to persuade you? I need an answer right now, you have moped around, whined at your bad luck, everything instead of facing your situation and doing something about it.”

I said nothing, I know I have been depressed, but there is nothing to be done about things. I feel myself being pulled over, laying on my stomach on her lap. When she yanks down my pants and shorts, I try to stop her, but she has the leverage keeping her one hand in the middle of my back. The swat I felt next shocked me, she is spanking me, a grown man and I am being spanked like a little kid.

I yelled out, she can swing hard, each impact of her hand felt deep inside my flabby butt. I pleaded with her, I tried to move my hand back to my butt to protect myself, only to have her slap my hands away with enough force to make them tingle. This is the first time I have seen Stacy this upset at me. The tears were running down my cheeks in a torrent, my words falling on deft ears. “I will be good, please Stacy stop, please stop.

She eased up for a minute, then asked if I was going to be a good girl and face my problem or did I need some more motivation. I choked up, trying to get all my words out before she started again. “Yes I will be a good girl, dress however you want and be feminine if only you will not spank me anymore.” Then shocked when she handed me a pen and paper and told me to write it down, all of it.

I want you to admit you are a female now, to wear dresses, to wear lingerie, jewelry, makeup, everything a female does. I want you to admit that you love being a woman now, and to be my lesbian lover. I want it all on paper, dated today and what you deserve if you welsh on this as punishment. I reluctantly did as she asked, the mere act of writing it down made it sink in to my disturbed mind, more than if I had just said the words.

She looked it over a couple of times than handed it back to me. “Nope not all here, you have to admit that you are a female now, the male part long gone. For this to work you have to embrace all of what being a female means, not just part of it. If you continued as a male you be just a part male, so to have a decent life filled with friends and romantic partners you need to be female, clothes, makeup, jewelry and most important attitude.

Then you will be able to start living again. This time as a female, whole and complete. Much better than your life before. After numerous corrections to my pledge she finally accepted my written words, folded up the paper and placed it next to her bosom. “There in case I need to remind you of your commitment.”

At that point she stopped talking, took me in her arms and kissed me passionately. I melted in her arms, the spanking had forced some of my concerns to be forgotten, and the kiss had awakened new emotions in me, ones that felt so good. We set there for quite some time, with me laying on her shoulder, her hands holding mine securely and lovingly. She led me off to bed, undressed me and laid me on the bed. I had to twist a little, my butt still quite sore from her spanking. She undressed herself down to panties and bra, then laid next to me. We fell asleep later, in each other’s arms, sleeping soundly until early morning.

I awoke to sweet smells drifting from the kitchen. I used the bathroom, then found a robe at the end of my bed to put on over my nightie, something that Stacy insisted I wear last night. It felt good next to my body, the silky material caressing my skin. When I put the robe on, little chills spread over my body. The robe had caused the nightie to slide over my skin, the warmth and the silky feeling making me feel good. I walked into the kitchen, Stacy looking at me to see if I was going to be a problem. She saw the robe and figured I had made the first concession to my new female gender.

We ate for a while, just nibbling, taking our time to eat her offerings. She asked what I wanted to do today, I shrugged my shoulders, not really having anything special I wanted to do. Then I thought of my new looks, any venturing out will have to be as a female, that changing a lot of things. Stacy could see where I was getting uptight again, her slapping her thigh a warning of what might happen if I didn’t calm down and now.

“Whatever you would like to do is fine with me, I have no desires or wishes. Please remember that this is all new to me, allow me some time to get used to being seen as a female before you immerse me in everything feminine. I will try and comply with your wishes, and as swiftly as possible. I am just so thankful that somehow you are still in my life, I don’t know who to thank for this heavenly gift, but they deserve my deepest and sincerest thanks.”

We finished what she had prepared for breakfast, some fruit and orange juice, then cleaned up. Since she had fixed the meal I tried to do all the clean-up, feeling that it is only right for me to participate since I am now a female in the relationship. Stacy observed, often I would catch a smile on her face, but didn’t do anything unless I needed to know how something was to be done. I never was much for cleaning up, my idea of a good meal was takeout, and cleanup was putting all the containers in the garbage.

The sink this morning contained a lot of glasses, used once then placed in the sink until there was none left on the shelf. Then something had to be done or swear off drinking water.

One time I even purchased a case of bottled water, figuring that would save a lot of washing and putting away. It was a bad idea, the bottled water did not taste that good, the remaining few bottles made the garbage unopened.

I eventually got all the dishes washed, dried and put up where they belong, something that had not happened in weeks.

Back to the bedroom, she had some clothes laid out for me, my eyes focused on the dress that was right in the middle of the bed. Surely I could start out with something a little less feminine, the dress very cute, as Stacy would say. I am not sure what the name of it would be, pink in color with a full skirt, although way too short in my opinion. The top seemed not big enough for me maybe that would be the way that I would be spared wearing it, if it did not fit. At least, I could hope that would be the case.

My eyes had not left the dress since I entered the bedroom, but the lingerie next to it was what I had to put on first. The bra was the first thing she handed me, not sure exactly how I should grab it, I took it from her with two fingers, the bra dangling from my fingers. Stacy laughed, then stepped in to help. My nightie is removed leaving me naked except for the panties I had to wear with the nightie. Those also were quickly gone. Stacy faced me looking me right in the eyes. As she cupped my breasts she went into teacher mode.

“These are your breasts, I do mean yours. To feel comfortable during the day they need some support. This is a bra, your bra that supports your breasts. Are you keeping up so far? You lean forward letting you breasts settle in the cups, after putting your arms through the straps. Then taking the two ends of the band to the back you hook them together. You straighten up, adjust the bra comfortably, lifting and settling your breasts in the cups to be sure they are not pinched.”

I indeed have a small bosom, probably as a result of my fouled up hormones. I would later learn that I had an A cup, filling the cups of the bra she has fastened around me adequately. It felt funny with the band around my chest, but also comforting in a way. The panties were next, the chills that went through my body as the panties slid up my legs were not asked for, but somehow enlightening. I would indeed be wearing things like this for the rest of my life. The dress followed, I stepped into it, put my arms in the sleeves and allowed Stacy to zip the dress up. As it tightened around my chest, I looked in the mirror. The hope that the dress would not fit me to keep from wearing it vanished, it fit perfectly reinforcing the feminine looks. Gone was the masculine image that I had known for twenty-five years, in its place an attractive female now occupied that image.

I had not noticed the heels on the side of the bed, too concerned about the dress and lingerie. They looked intimidating, not much to them except for the five inch heel height. I looked at Stacy, pleading with my eyes for something different and less feminine. No luck, she was enjoying this too much to give in now. She rolled stockings up my legs, the bands at the top holding them there on my thighs. Then the heels were slipped on my feet and the straps buckled securely. She reached for my hand to help me up, the sudden change in altitude almost toppling me over. When I stabilized a little she let go and walked away. She turned and held out her arms waiting for me to walk into their loving embrace. I did, the first steps in heels really not that bad.

We hung around the apartment all day, did a little laundry and made a list for the grocery store. After we scrambled some eggs for dinner I was dragged out to her car and I made my first venture as a female into the grocery store. Surprisingly it was no big deal, no one made any comments and I paid with my debit card. I talked with the cashier and the bag boy, they reacted to me as if I was a woman out shopping for groceries.

Then the next day Stacy made me tackle the elephant in the room, my job. Again dressed in a too brief dress, my hair piled on top of my head with a few ribbons to make it more feminine. Lipstick and mascara with some blusher on my cheeks we headed to my work place. She made me do everything myself, but was right behind me for moral support. My old boss took one look at me and sent me to personnel, something I was expecting. I had to wait a few minutes before I could see the head of personnel, all the possible scenarios running through my brain.

Mandy came out to get us, and we went into her office. I was offered a seat on a love seat in a casual setting, Stacy sitting right next to me and Mandy in a side chair directly opposite. She wanted me to tell her everything about my medical condition and what my prognosis was now that treatment had been concluded. I showed her copies of all my medical records, she looked them over and then handed them back to me. She went and pulled my personnel file and looked at it, where I had been assigned before and what jobs I had experienced.

She made a couple of phone calls to department heads, finally inviting one of them to her office. “I have a position in mind for you, but since you have no experience in this field, I want to assign you there for a few days to see how you adapt and fit in. We may have to try yet another possible job, but rest assured you will still be working for us, unless you willingly quit. Now I need a new name for you, Lance is so inadequate.

I hesitated but Stacy spoke first. Lets use Linda, a feminine name for a feminine lady. I nodded my head, as Mandy changed my file.

I was sent with the department head down to where I will be working, given a badge and told of what hours I will work and the dress code for this part of the company. I was not informed though of what I would be doing. I guess the fact that I would still have a job kind of overshadowed everything else. I then returned to personnel to pick up Stacy and we headed home after hugs were exchanged all around.

I actually pinched myself, to see if I was dreaming. Although I was extremely grateful, what happened today was never considered as a possibility earlier when we entered Mandy’s office. It was like I was a treasured employee, deserving of better than average treatment. Certainly before today I never had that feeling working here.

Another day and I was up early getting ready for work. Stacy was there to supervise but made me do everything myself. She dropped me off at work, telling me she will pick me up at five. I did have a purse, a few dollars for lunch in my new feminine wallet, but no keys and not enough money for a cab fare home. I was shown my new job, very similar to what I had been doing before but a couple of notches up the chain of employment. By lunch I was comfortable doing the tasks, not noticing how fast the morning went. A couple of the female employees in this department invited me to lunch, nothing fancy just some salads at the diner down the street.

It turns out that most of the employees knew of my medical situation, and had no trouble with me working as a female. Two or three sentences about my medical situation and all the rest of the time was spent on my looks and the clothing I wore for today. Both of the ladies wanted the name of the salon I used, promising to make appointments as soon as possible. The fact that I looked more like a female than they did required some correction on their part.

I ended up staying in that department, now six months later I am the department head. The six females working under my direction are all friends; lunch, a night out every once in a while and random shopping trips are common for us in a typical month.

Stacy and I ended up moving in together, according to her I needed someone to keep an eye on me and she appointed herself to be the one. I think it was more her insatiable desire to cuddle, kiss and ravish me all the time, but whatever the reason I was thrilled to be a part of it.

A year later after I was pronounced cancer free on my annual checkup, we slipped off to Vegas and got hitched. She has progressed in her job beyond all expectations now making twice what I earn. I have been told I have to find us a house, something cozy and romantic. That I am eagerly looking forward to.

Life has not been kind to me, but thanks to Stacy I have made adjustments, the life I have now full of love and hope. I have indeed lived with what Life has dealt me. No longer a male, life as a female now.

© 2016 thru 2024 by Francesca